Thursday, July 20, 2006

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Miniature Bell Pepper? I think not!
(Click picture for larger view, this is a macro shot)
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"No plan can prevent a stupid person from doing the wrong thing in the wrong place at the wrong time - but a good plan should keep a concentration from forming." ~ Charles Erwin Wilson
I thought I had a good plan. I planted a bell pepper plant; I know the little plastic tag said "bell pepper". The plant is still small but there are two peppers growing, just not very big. They are green and perfectly shaped; the only problem is that they get to an inch and a half in length and just stop. More are growing on the plant but that lone little bell pepper is just sitting there. I put special fertilizer and watered and left it alone but it just sat there. Then I saw these "miniature sweet peppers" at Costco and thought, "Hey! Maybe that is a miniature pepper plant!" Of course, this is the one plastic tag I didn't keep. So tonight, I picked it and placed it on the kitchen counter along with the four cucumbers that appeared overnight.

Then Mom said, "Did you try that pepper?" So I washed it and cut it open. It looks like a bell pepper that just came out runty, thin wall, just too small. I bit into it, just a little bite. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOT! HOT! HOT! Flames erupted from my tongue and lips; the sizzling sensation of a chemical burn, of hot hydrochloric acid or worse, sulfuric acid on my tongue and all around my mouth and lips and face..... HOT! HOT!!!!!! Call 911!!!!!! Call the fire department!!!!! ICE! ICE! If I could have plunged my whole head into the ice bucket, I would have. I got cubes and sucked on them, rubbed my mouth with them.... IT IS NOT WORKING!!!!!! Aloe vera, yes, there's an aloe vera plant on the back porch!!!! Break it off and squeeze and rub all over lips..... IT IS NOT WORKING!!!!! Run to the bathroom and look in mirror... my lips and mouth look like I have been snowboarding on Mt. Everest for two weeks followed by wind surfing in the Sahara Desert!!! They are red and it is spreading!!! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! Kiehls lip balm... OK but you aren't supposed to put oil on a burn. NOTHING WORKS!! Drink milk? Tongue a little better; as long as you keep on drinking it. Eat something else..... NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! That hurts worse! Finally, an hour and two 32 oz glasses of ice tea later the pulsing burn is subsiding! Mom loves hot peppers, but she was convinced to avoid this one by just touching it to her tongue; much better plan than mine. Dad cut a tomato with the same knife I cut the pepper and burned his tongue. These are DEFINITELY NOT miniature bell peppers.

Tomorrow, I pull the plant up. Perhaps I could offer the other one to the squirrel who's been eating my tomatoes; then again, he hasn't bothered this pepper for three weeks so I guess that makes him immensely less stupid than I am.

(end of post)

1 comment:

Sandra said...

i can laugh now that this is in the PAST, but yikes. it would have killed me. i can't eat any kind of hot peppers, nary a one, they take my breathe away and i can't breathe. at least with our pepper, bob is using seeds from one we ate, so we know it will not be hot. what a story. once many moons ago a boyfriend, i was 17, took me to a mesxican resturant, i said i can't eat hot, so we ordered things that were not hot. he talked me into trying the musard that was on the table, telling me it was not hot. i ended up doing what you just desribed to me. it ruined my meal. i wonder if we are allergic to them.